I have ended all of my significant relationships with men, except for one.

All it takes is one, one partner — who you desperately want — who doesn’t want you back, and you can call yourself an expert on mending a broken heart.

I don’t give myself over easily to anyone, so when I do, it’s because that person is worth it, and I give 100% of myself. Boi oh boi, this guy was worth it. He is far from perfect, but he was just right for me. We fit. But the relationship didn’t work, mostly because of timing.

Here are ten ways to fall out of love with someone you desperately want in your life, but who is unavailable to you.

  • Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Unfriend, unfollow, UN-everything on social media. You have no business thinking about what someone — someone you love — is up to unless they are up to it with you. You do not need to see his fabulous Facebook life — even if it is not an accurate representation of his life, ESPECIALLY because it is not an accurate representation of his life — every day of your precious life. Those fabulous photos and activities he keeps posting on FB, if he is not doing them with you, then you don’t need to keep tabs on him, his fabulous career, personal and extracurricular life. Period. You are only causing unnecessary pain for yourself. Get his face, and his beautiful eyes, out of your social media life.
  • Do NOT listen to love songs. Period. I would say for at least six months, or until you are honest to goddess over him. When you can honestly say to yourself with real conviction, “I’m over him,” then you have my permission to resume all sappy love songs. Listening to love songs will only prolong your pain and suffering. Sure. Wallow for a week with the best love songs of all time, feel the pain, drown yourself in the Beatles and Marvin Gay, listen to “All of Me” by John Legend 100 times in a row and cry your heart out. But give yourself only a week, or so, to indulge in your sadness, and then I suggest only listening to hip hop or rap. Turn on full blast “Empire State of Mind” by Jay Z and belt it out at the top of your lungs while dancing naked in your kitchen. There is no way you can take yourself, or your misery, too seriously when you are doing this. Become an expert on the Pulitzer Prize-winning album, DAMN, by Kendrick Lamar. It is truly a masterpiece in the cultural storytelling of our times. You could spend hours wrestling with the topics Lamar speaks of so forcibly, and poetically. You could meditate for hours on his verses. Put on an angst-ridden Beastie Boys’ tune. If you are at the stage where you just found out you’ve been lied to, or gaslit, or fooled, listen closely to the biting lyrics of Bob Dylan’s “Idiot Wind,” and you will feel justified, with Bob as your co-pilot, in your anger and pain, and how you were terribly wronged by your love. Anger is sometimes easier to process than a broken heart. Anger is usually the stage that slams you right after sadness. When you are angry, your anger most likely has sadness behind it. OR, listen to NPR. Listening to NPR and the current state of politics in our country will not only distance you from your own troubles, but it will inform you, and make you grateful you don’t have even bigger problems.
  • Do not take baths. Baths are sexy. All the soapy bubbles covering your wet body will just make you think about sex, and craving that man you want, but cannot have, all over you. You do not need to think about slippery bubbles between your naked thighs, and your naked body covering his. Stick to showers, for now, they are not as sexy.
  • Do not watch romantic comedies. They are bullshit. I’m pretty sure most of my fucked-up-over-the-top expectations for relationships are because I watched an unhealthy amount of romantic comedies growing up. I think I’ve seen When Harry Met Sally 20 times at least, and this was on top of being raised on a diet of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Life rarely turns out neatly with a big red bow on it. He will not be meeting you on the top of the Empire State Building any time soon. Or ever.
  • Don’t daydream about what you could be doing together. If you catch yourself daydreaming, think instead about ways to build your empire. Start a blog and an Esty account. And put your energy into something creative, that could bring you some extra cash. Work on your stock portfolio. Or just write. Anyone can write. Go buy your own private therapist for only $5.99 at the nearest stationary store and fill those blank pages with your pain and your loss and your tears. If none of the above-mentioned tasks appeal to you, do something to pamper yourself in a smaller, easier, less brain-taxing way — go buy a special pair of shoes you don’t need, but want, or an amazing lipstick.
  • Go out with your girlfriends. Talk to them about what they’re up to right now, or talk to them about the exciting new online business you are starting. Don’t talk about him, or what you think he is doing right now — you won’t know what he is up to because you are sticking to step one, right? And if you are following him on social media, go back to step one and re-read, it is the most important step and why it got top billing. He is off doing something with someone else. He is not with you. If he wanted to be with you, he would be.
  • Have fun. Exercise. Eat well. Take care of yourself. You are important. Distraction from your heartbreak is what you need. Make yourself priority number one, it’s empowering. There is nothing better than distracting yourself with you. You are it. You are the most important person to you. The relationship you have with yourself projects onto all of your other relationships. If you don’t matter to you, you won’t matter to anyone else. Do you, and do you well.
  • Write him a letter. DO NOT SEND IT. Write your feelings down; your anger, your frustration, your sadness, your disappointment, that is all you need to do. If he is gone, it doesn’t matter what he thinks about your feelings. This hurts. I know. It doesn’t matter what he thinks if he has made it clear to you that he (can’t/won’t) doesn’t want to be with you. But by getting it on paper, you can release it and move on. You got it out there, into the universe, and that’s all that matters. Bonus: when you read what you wrote a few years from now when the pain is gone — and it will be gone— you can see how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown when you are in another relationship with a man who wants you, a man who really wants to be here with you.
  • Don’t jump right into another relationship. Unless you are over the love of your life, or who you think is the love of your life right now, don’t start another serious relationship. This will only cause you more problems down the road. Trust me, I have done this, and it is not a good idea. Starting another relationship when you are not over the last one, can actually make you go backward in the long run. Starting another relationship out of fear of being alone will guarantee a relationship with the wrong person, especially when you haven’t let go of someone else. Not being over the last relationship will attract the wrong kind of guy for you. Go out on dates, sure, have fun. But don’t sleep with anyone until you are fully healed, sex only confuses things, and the unresolved pain from losing this guy will eventually catch up with you down the road. Let there be space between a broken heart and another relationship. Let there be space for you.
  • Focus on here. Right now. The present moment is all we have and choosing to live in the past is a waste of your precious life. You only get one life that you know of, so live it now, for you.